Trying

What am I doing wrong, I'm trying I really am. Have I lost your interest, please tell me what am I doing wrong. Have I lost the ability to make you smile. I can't help but feel like I'm ruining your life, what am I doing so wrong that you can't be happy around me. Am I loosing you, what am I doing wrong. Are we forcing a dead issue. Have I lost you, I am sorry the pressure is on you I really did not intend to derail your life. Are you happy or just content. Why can't I seem to bring joy to you. Thank you for all you did but I can't expect you to carry on like this, I'm only draining the energy from you. I'm sorry I can't hang with you and your friends or pick you up and take you out. Sorry you have to live my lie maybe this is why I feel as if I'm loosing you. I can't sleep at nights because I'm haunted by the idea of wasting your time and stressing you out. Why can't I figure you out. What do you want me to do. What am I doing so wrong I'm trying I really am

I Love You More Than You Will Ever Know

It is something I am familiar with being depended on, but I never new this type of dependence was so real. I Am forced into a position where I need to be the one that guarantees safety and comfort. I can no longer care for my self. I guess I always knew that certain requirements were expected of me, but I can't do what I need to do if around me you can't let go. I am sorry I took so long I guess I'm a smart dumb guy but it's okay now I don't blame you for anything, I hold no grudge I am ready to take on your burdens I am ready to face my destiny and me the man you need me to be. I guess I was just too afraid to grow up and let go, I can't tell you why I was so obsess with the past. I was so used to expecting failure that I didn't give you a fair chance. I now know the mistakes I was making and I hope you know I will do everything to rectify all the bad blood I have caused. I am sorry for not taking your needs and point of view into consideration I was selfish. For me to truly change and be the man that everyone needs me to be I will need you to be the women that I know will allow me to cry in front of, I need you to be my hidden strength my rock when the world beats me down so I can get back up and grow. I love you more than you will ever know and there Is nothing I wouldn't do to guarantee your happiness and peace of mind. I am ready and I hope you are too cause I can't stay running around in circles, I don't know what is in the hand book of relationships I have no idea how love is suppose to be I have never openly accepted it I don't know what I am doing our relationship has been far from conventional we started off on the wrong foot how we have managed this far is odd we must be idiots most would have departed by now but I am happy we are trying but I think now is the time for us to stop trying and just do. No more holding back its time we let go and embrace. I love you more than you will ever know. I am sorry I shouldn't have put my burdens on you, and even tho it is too late to change the past I am happy you handled it with strength and grace. I know the problems you are dealing with and I promise I will make it up to you for all the years you had to take on more than necessary I will repay you with my eternal gratitude. I will look forward to the day when all your cares will become mine I will stand for the both of us and I am sorry I have let you down time and time again but that ends today. I will not hold anything back I am yours 100% in every way. I love you more than you will ever know and I will never intentionally hurt you and let you down ever. I am happy you have stayed by my side threw all of my issues I love you more than you will ever know.

Closing the Year

The year is drawing to a close. I was reminded how quickly my year could have panned out differently. I have managed to find some sort of internal peace,

         I have never been much of a talker, my problems and resolves happened in my head.

If only i could get these thoughts out of my head and put them to words if only i could write the ideas in my head.

I think its time I threw in the towel. as much as I try I cant seem to let go, conflicted that I am, how can the same thing bring you such sadness and joy. Maybe it was just faith-ed so, I think i am too far gone. I can't stand this brief moment of happiness to then fall back to despair and questions. I want you to understand me, you need to listen to me hear my words see my actions. give me some indication that you understand. Are we really that different or am I just too far gone that I cant even trust you. You shouldn't  trust me either I am just as guilty, this could be the very reason why i am nervous around you, I know how devious you could be. Is it that I fear you. The funny thing is I cant leave you now matter how badly I want to, you have a hold over me. You got the one thing I cant get get back. My heart could be yours and only yours  but I need to know you want it.


        My friend thank you, your support has always been welcomed. I cant figure out why it was so easy to open up to you maybe I knew you could never really hurt me. It's funny how we both disliked the same person we loved haha. Why did things get out of hand, what happened to make you so dependent on me what is with you and attachment. It is so sad to see how you have changed and what you are becoming. Am I at fault here  was it our act of indecencies that spurred you to what you are becoming. What happened friend why are we so apart and why do i not feel a need to fix anything, have we traveled  our course I guess it was inevitable that why must part ways at journeys end. Good bye friend may life bring you many joy and wonders hope you fall back on the right track.


       I don't know why I answered that text two/three years ago but I am glad I did because in you I found a true friend. They say things happen for a reason, that people are always placed in your life when you need it the most. I was skeptical at first I just couldn't believe that you off all people would contact me, welcoming me back into your life. How things have changed so much. I was in a dark place and every chance i had to get out i was drawn back, my life was becoming to heavy I couldn't trust a soul. Then came you with an open heart, you had the patience to wait for me to open up to you, to share my emotions. You didn't judge me or tried to force me to be something i'm not. You had the same mindset i had. I thought it was so amusing that I loved the outdoors while you seem to hate the sun. we are complete opposite but that's what made it better. i enjoy our conversation of me trying to get you in the sun and you trying to make me enjoy the snow I could write for hours on how you could have been the perfect person for me but my heart is somewhere else sorry. I hope you stay in my life. I enjoy knowing that I can De-stress from the world with a single conversation with you. My God continue to work on you and keep your heart open.


                  You had the one thing i no longer have the one thing i regret giving up. Why couldn't you wait. Its my fault I know and I will Continue kicking my self for it. You were patient you waited for me, things were moving faster than I could imagine. Again I am sorry I took so long. You are probably wondering why I was so passionate why I was quick to show you the heavens, so eager to bring the stars to you. Well the answer is I have had to hold my emotions back for years. I couldn't really express my self  to the one that truly matter, so I inadvertently  poured it out on you I became attached to you because I wanted to remember how it felt to be loved without any doubt or hesitation. What is so sad is that i still haven't been able to be so free and open, even now. I know you are happy now and I am pleased for you I hope all works out well and I will Always be here if you need me.

Work in Progress

Who am I but a simple man with a pressured mind trying to hit the fast lane but missing out on everything; Everything can change in a split second, it seems so hard to find time to appreciate the time we have. I am but a simple man trying to understand the complexity of this majestic grand creation ME.I feel you but i cant touch you yet i'm still comforted  by you. I seek answers and it always seems to lead back to you the grand creation him self the I Am, Why do i struggle when it comes to you, i am sorry for coming to you only when i have a problem, thank you for sending your angels they have never let me down. I am a simple man that allows pride to get in the way, i have allowed others to sway me. I changed may way to please others but i was displeasing the one that truly matters. I am a simple man that complicated my relationships, i have hurt others and have been  hurt-ed by others.Please forgive me for all the wrongs i have committed. I am a simple man that the angles are protecting even thou i don't deserve it.  Please help me lift this lid the pressure is building i have been consistent in being consistently weak.

Angels

the angels picked me up by his command they told me i will never walk on this ground alone. peace and comfort was at my command i have power over the angels he said and they will never let me down . I am sorry to everyone i have ever crossed in anyway, i cannot expect someone to be a certain way if i am not  following suit. I was a terrible person very selfish and devious i don't deserve half the people that are around me. My true friends i pray God blesses you daily i wouldn't be where  i am if it wasn't for your support. The angels held me told me i was going to be great i had lost sight when i heard great i sought status & wealth, i was a child.  It seems the closest ones around you are always the ones hurting i pray peace and happiness for everyone.
               I am prone to self sabotage digging my own grave before i gave my self a chance. I measured my self short, I was weak the stronger i acted the weaker i was. things have changed my appreciation is better i am wrapped in warmth

Reality?

He was never really one to talk he lived in his head he had a world within his world his mind became his home a place where he can be. He has built a utopia, his private thoughts walk freely the people there respect him. He often forgets what world he is in.

Fragile

A few friends and myself had a mission we were going to go pro at all cost and it was a very attainable dream. What separated us from all others was not our skill factor(which we had plenty of) no it was our mental toughness we had confidence oozing out our pours mistakes and doubt bounced off us we had the ego of gods. These are attributes needed to make it, I once thought I was a machine I had my sights set on my goal but I was de railed now I am watching my friends making it and I'm still here. The reason why I am still here is because my confidence took a shot. My ego was diminish I was left feeling impotent who is to blame no one but my self I put my trust in those that I thought would empower me. I was torn down made to feel as if I am easy to replace I was shattered. Now I face an uphill battle I have to find a way to get my confidence of old and blend it with my knowledge and experience of new but the years are against me. Can I ever regain my fire can I catch up to my mates can I build back up my mentality and separate my self from the rest questions that linger only time will tell